Updates

1) My child is 8 months old tomorrow. He is now crawling with his belly off the ground, finally sitting totally unassisted, loving baths, clapping, insatiably pulling himself up on everything in sight, cruising along the edges of tables, saying "hi!" enthusiastically, getting better at feeding himself, eating cheerios and drinking from a sippy cup (sort of, he mostly just tosses it around). I remember when he was just a tiny thing and I would look at him and think about him being 8 months, 9 months...even 6 months and not being able to fathom it. That sounded so old, so big. And all of a sudden he's like this real kid. Bizarro.

2) I am still without vehicle but the part is coming. YAY.

3) Our tax refunds have come and are gone. Didn't take long between bills, back-rent, new diapers & clothes, and food. Sheesh. I wonder if we'll ever get anything saved.

4) Joel might be getting a new job. Shhh.

5) I can feel spring coming. I can feel it. I am so looking forward to little things this spring/summer. Hanging diapers on a clothesline in the hot sun, Isaac learning to walk and stumbling in the grass, days on the beach, having windows and doors open with cool breezes blowing through, planting flowers and teaching him about bugs. Possibly getting back to work part-time. The excitement/anticipation is welling up within.

6) I am finishing season 3 of Six Feet Under which I've borrowed from my brother. I'm serious man, it is so fucking eerie, the similarities between the Fishers and my family. Each character is like a dramatic interpretation of a person in my life. The stories are the same, the mannerisms, the personalities. It's really messed up and intriguing and definitely the best show ever made. I am absorbed and obsessed and probably too into it. But loving it.

7) Today I got the second message from a random perverted stranger on Facebook asking to see pictures of me nursing. Actually this one proclaimed his desire to "feed from my breast" and I puked in my mouth a little. Way to get your ass reported, idiot. Ugh. Bleck. Vomit. Shudder. Major creepster.

I believe that is all.

its all my fault

My child is a TV junkie.


Sometimes I feel bad about it, like I am letting his brain slowly melt out of his ears or something. But you know - of all of the things that you tend to remember fondly from your childhood, your favorite characters on your favorite shows always come first. They do for me at least. When he gets a bit older I am totally buying Fraggle Rock & the Muppet Show DVD sets because that shit is quality, and the generations that grew up on them (mainly from the 80's, early 90's) are probably the most peaceful set of people there are. Jim Henson's original goal with Sesame Street & Fraggle Rock was to create world peace, starting with the youngin's. How can that be bad? Of course he loves Elmo and Barney (ugh) but with time he will become a sophisticated pop-culture goon, learning lessons and dancing to dope ass theme songs.

This might just be my really good excuse to enjoy these shows myself without having to feel stupid. I really don't care.

Vermont's finest.

I have been a bad blogger. Every so often I get plagued with enormous apathy and everything becomes mundane, useless, petty. I usually manage to climb out of that after a while, either by force or desperation. This is a little of both.

I have left the house only twice in the last two weeks. Joel is off on a snow mobiling adventure with his brother, and he left his car here. So I could have left today. That option hasn't been available to me in the many weeks since my car shat the bed. But as I weighed out that possibility, the task suddenly became too daunting. I am now officially a recluse. My car should be in tip top shape fairly soon, once our refund is in hand and Joel actually takes the time to get to it. But even then - where would I go?

I might go crawling back to my former place of employment soon. For a few nights a week or something. Although this is a terrible time of year for the restaurant business to be hiring anyone. I doubt they'd even take me back right now. I need to figure out what the hell it is I'd like to do with myself someday. Or do I?! I am so beyond sick of torturing myself with that question.

All I know is that I want to buy a house. We started looking into it, researching the area and whatnot. Working on a plan. It's ultimately my one big goal in life, to own a house that we will treasure as a big family with lots of memories. I don't really care how lame that might sound to most everyone else but the desire for it is a passion, and that feeling doesn't happen easily for me so I'm holding onto it.

I am polishing off Joel's Cherry Garcia. The fool left it behind. Muahaha.

The day's just getting started...

I have to say, I love the Sunny Side Up show on Sprout every morning. Really. While the wee one is crawling around chewing on things and talking to his toys, I'm sipping my coffee and jammin out hard to the Roary the Racing Car theme song, joining in with the cheesy hosts and trying to get him as excited about Chica as I am. I can't wait til I can send in his fancy birthday card to be read on the air, and I walk around all day with the birthday song stuck in my head. This has become my life.


On another note, I want to say that politics is soooo not my topic of conversation. I'm not going to pretend for one second that I have any idea what any of it means and honestly I don't get it. I wish I knew more, but I don't. I'm kind of working on that. But this morning I've been watching all the inauguration hoo-yah and it has gotten me kind of excited. I can't say one way or the other whether I agree with or like Obama - I really don't know enough about the guy. But I can't deny the twinge of hope I feel. I mean man, has there ever been a guy under more pressure than that man is right now? I hope he lives up to his expectations. And I fully appreciate the magnitude of his election "making history", but I do feel like I can't wait for everyone to get past the race issue and focus on the reality of the job. Crazy times!
That is all.

I've been trying to think of something to write here for a few days now. Yesterday I concocted this whole entry, chronicling a photo story of Isaac's toys, but blogger screwed up my photo arrangement and wouldn't post it the way I wanted so I deleted the whole thing. It's not that I don't have anything to talk about. I could write about how it got so cold on Wednesday that the fuel pump in my car froze up, rendering it useless and now my beloved Volvo rests weary and alone two towns over at my parents' house, for an undetermined amount of time. Having a mechanic for a husband certainly does come in handy, but not when there are no funds to make repairs - even if you are saving on labor and 'screw you over' costs. So, I remain stranded at home with no vehicle. For however long. It's a good thing I have no friends, no job, no prospects and nothing to do anyways, huh? Is winter over yet? I need sunshine.

There are piles upon piles of unfolded laundry all over the bedroom floor. The laundry never stops. So maybe there's no point in putting it away, right? It's just going to build up again and end up right back on the floor.

Sometimes I sit here and look around our apartment here and wonder how much longer we'll be here. We keep talking about preparing to buy a house sometime soon. Who knows how long that will take. But in the meantime I have this very unsettling feeling about our living situation. We have this big beautiful place with an ocean view and tons of space. We have lots of nice stuff (well I consider it nice) and happy little toys everywhere with happy pictures on the walls and it's all very happy. We have a very understanding and lenient landlord. But I can't help but feeling that he's only going to be understanding for so long. We have no lease, no official agreements or anything. I keep devising back-up plans in my mind trying to keep in mind that things could change any day. Living in constant anxiety while simultaneously trying to enjoy it while it lasts.

I remember what life was like when I was a kid, being as dirt poor as we were. Not to say it didn't give us all a little character. But to think about how much my parents must have worried and stressed about it...now that I'm in their positions it's some big time reality and it's scary stuff. Especially the way things are going right now. Uncertainty plagues us all I suppose.

Isaac has been a real joy lately. Sarcasm. Deep, profound sarcasm. Last night he woke up around midnight SCREAMING for seemingly no reason, and no matter what could not be consoled. He was crying so hard he was shaking and nearly choking. It was a little scary there for a minute, I had no idea what the problem was. So I busted out some Bach's Rescue Remedy..a few drops on the tongue and VOILA! He calmed right down. Sucked his thumb quietly in my arms for a while. I stayed up with him for a bit, making sure he reacted to the magic potion okay and whatnot. Sang to him, played around in bed a little. He fell asleep alright but it was another restless night. Keeping him in his crib was working well for a while there, but lately he's been back in our bed. Waking every 90 minutes or so. I refuse to get up and down that often in the night - it only makes me lose my temper and I get zero sleep. I think he must be working on another tooth. Also it gets freezing cold in the bedroom at night so he might just want some body warmth to cuddle up to. Who could blame him for that? He's crawling around everywhere and getting into everything. I thought the newborn days were tough...all he did then was nurse and sleep! Barely moved. Now I'm chasing him all around and he wears me right out. It's fun though, makes things a little more crazy. The cutest thing is that he's recognizing Joel as this real staple in his life, someone he yearns to be with and loves to see. He squeals with delight and wiggles all around when Joel comes home from work, cries if he leaves the room. I like to see him realizing the constants in his life. He'll be 7 months old tomorrow. I can't believe that. Seven months ago right now I was in labor. Whaaat? It was a whole other lifetime ago and yet it just happened yesterday.

I dare you not to laugh.

Am I going to hell for laughing at this?? Aww poor guy. He got too excited!! Lolz.

Jury Duty

I have this little black notebook that I carry around with me everywhere, to jot down random thoughts or things I want to remember and all that jazz. I was reading through it last night and happened upon this little entry I wrote during a hellish experience at jury duty I had last year. It made me chuckle a little so I thought I'd share it.

"7/31
Nestled into a corner next to the sounds of a bathroom, staring one by one at the backs of heads and the choices of footwear. Cold air conditioning over compensates for the lack of breath exchanged. Silent we remain. Yes we are strangers to each other but not to the situation. We're all in this together! At this point in time our stories intersect. We sit together in silence, I listen to you pee. A moment of intimacy between two miserable people. Sound familiar? She's aging, with photos of grandchildren in her purse (no doubt) and she's got on shoes I would buy for my 10 year old niece. Hipster slip-ons from Hot Topic. Typical. His head is misshapen. A vast exposed scalp shows a dent and I wonder if that's just how it goes or if he has an explanation. How does one truly cope with such a transformation as baldness? I can't imagine a lack of hair right now, not with this absurdly cold A/C blowing at me. But I thought ahead. As I dressed I thought, 'I'm going to end up in some room with efficient air conditioning, better bring a jacket.' I always think ahead. What a bright little thing I am. That ceiling fan seems hardly relevant right now."


Just a little glimpse into the realm of my random thoughts.