oh so smooth & dreamy

It's been raining non stop for two days now. I don't mind it so much, I definitely prefer steady rain over snow, or persistent fog that just makes everything damp and chilly. At least you know the earth is taking care of itself, gearing up for the spring by watering everything down. Before you know it, everything will be green and sprouting. And that's encouraging.

I've been thinking a lot about the fact that Isaac's first birthday is fast approaching. I feel like I only just settled into a routine that I can manage. Since getting my car back I finally have established some confidence in making public outings happen with baby in tow. Going to the store, post office, bank, whatever..I no longer feel like that's only something I can do if someone watches him at home. No, I am woman, I am capable. I've been thinking about how it's been such a short time since I really got comfortable and in the groove with breastfeeding, and pretty soon it'll be over. I definitely plan on making it to a year and I'm sure we'll go longer, but I'm not one of those women who enjoys the thought of really extended nursing..like til age two or three. Sorry, but I feel like at some point a boundary needs to be established. Like..this is my body. I am glad I could provide for you but now you have other means. So I figure he'll probably be about 15 months by the time he's fully weaned. And you know...that's not far off. Kind of sad.

This coming saturday at the Holistic Families meeting we'll be discussing birth stories. I keep practicing in my head exactly what I want to say. There is so much. So much back story, so much to explain. I sort of feel like that to this particular group of people there will be so much to justify. I'll probably be the only one of them who has had a c-section. It's hard for me..I'm afraid I'll end up crying while I'm trying to share my story. I am kind of hoping that talking about it with people who understand the importance of birth (these ladies are doulas and midwives or were seen by doulas and midwives) will help me to move on and find some sort of acceptance. I'm really sick and tired of feeling so bitter and emotional about what I went through. Blah.

Time for bed.

character flaws

The other night we finished watching season 5 of Six Feet Under. As we both sobbed un-apologetically (anyone who has seen the series finale to this KNOWS what I'm talkin bout) it really ran through my brain just how similar the Fishers are to my family, the Rogers'. They are each exaggerations of us..theater versions, if you will.

Ruth - the worn out, worn down, tired older women, dealing with aging and the fact that her kids are growing up and moving on. Doesn't know what to do with herself if she's not taking care of someone else. Overly sensitive, easily worked up. Living with a lot of past regrets. AKA - my mom.

Nate - the eldest son, the rebel, the idealist, the one who "got away". Moved far away from the rest of his family and fought hard to be unlike them. AKA - my oldest brother.

David - the middle child, the responsible one. Perhaps a little tightly wound. Unaccepting of himself and weighed down by the weight of the world. AKA - my other brother.

Claire - the youngest, the only girl. Slightly disconnected from her siblings and absorbed with herself and her life. Photographer, artist, caught up in drug cultures and people who ultimately do her no good. Striving to achieve her family's approval but always sort of missing the mark. AKA - me at ages 16-18..right down to the giant ugly car.

Even some of the other supporting characters...Brenda, for instance strikes bizarre similarities with my brother's girlfriend..though it would be the wrong brother in comparison. I guess that's why maybe it strikes such a chord with me. In the end when Claire goes driving off into her future and they flash forward, and you see where everyone ends up. She reminds me so much of myself. Does the things that maybe I would have if life had gone differently for me. So to see her just driving off into the unknown- and yet I am armed with the foreknowledge of what lies ahead of her...it's intense. The bonus features on the DVD are awesome too...the guy who plays Nate says something to the effect of "death can shut you up real quick..so if you've got something to say in this life, you better speak up." I can dig it.

half asleep

I'm a slacker.
I'm making good on another promise to myself for this year, attempting to get healthy. My friend the future naturopath hooked me up with lots of good vitamins, one of which turns my pee neon green with the toxins it's clearing from my system. I went shopping yesterday and didn't fail miserably at it, got lots of good food and no junk (nevermind that box of girl scout cookies.... those chicks are ruthless). I'm trying to get Joel on the bandwagon because he doesn't take any kind of care of himself. Six cups of coffee a day, ciggarettes, beer and adding salt to virtually everything he eats is gonna wear him down pretty quickly. He just thinks I'm being a hippy or something.

Well, I have been going to this Holistic Moms group with the babe. They raise their own chickens (something I'm so jealous of) and had their babies in their own bathtubs (also, jealous). We had a group discussion on cloth diapers last week which was fun. Isaac seems to like the interaction with other little ones. He, by the way, is now a 9 month old little TERROR. His personal mission in life now seems to be to get into exactly the things I don't want him to, turning the days into ones filled with the grating sound of incessant whining and constant chasing. I admire his passion for exploration though. But his toys are no longer of any interest..this weather needs to warm up so I can get this kid outside.

mmm soup.

Last night I was having a dream that Joel McHale and I were in the midst of this whirlwind romance. We were madly in love, running about town like a couple of foolish teenagers. At last he grabbed a hold of me and asked me to marry him. It was epic.

Suddenly I was awoken by a teething, cranky, restless baby shoving his feet in my face. I rolled over to attend, rustling the real Joel awake. I said "Joel McHale just proposed to me." His response was, "what? he's like 3 feet taller than you."




PS - Joel Mchale has a little boy named Isaac. Interesting.

carseat nap

As Isaac snoozes away in his carseat (omg my car is back in action!!!!!) I will gingerly, ever so quietly, type up some kind of hooyah for this here blog. My dad went back into the hospital this past weekend and as far as I know is still there. This time they found a massive calcified blood clot in his leg which has apparently been there for years and no one caught it before. They're experimenting with blood thinners to see what dosage is safe to go home on. We all visited him the other day and he actually seemed pretty good, at least he was awake and not drifting in and out of a "my body can't filter out these painkillers" stupor.

I've been doing pretty well with my big new year's resolution to cook more actual food. We had a nice roast last night and there are actually a few different kinds of leftovers in the fridge right now. Go me! Going along with my other plan to learn how to sew, I busted out my sewing machine the other day and had my mom show me how to use it. Not that she hasn't done this 45 million times throughout my life, but this time I actually paid attention. Bummer is that there's something wrong with the machine so she's going to give me a different one to use. I have all these dreams of starting up a little online boutique with like..alternative type baby clothes and diaper bags and shit like that. Who knows?

My other goal for 2009 fell through before it had a chance. There's this little artsy fartsy coffee/sandwich shop in town that we go and get lunch at all the time. Every month they display on the walls a different artists' work. Usually it's photography but there are painters and metal sculptors and other cool stuff like that. I had made it a goal to get my ass in gear and put my pictures on display this year. We asked the owner though and apparently the waiting list right now is already half-way through 2010. I might throw my name in there anyway.. at least it would give me some time to get my shit sorted.

Ah, well. The baby stirs. Til next time.