snowed in!

the wee babe is all sick today. Last night I noticed he wasn't sleeping well, very restless- moaning, tossing & turning in his sleep. When he went 4 1/2 hours without waking up to eat I got him out of the crib and realized he was burning up. All night he sustained a fever ranging from about 102 to 99 and started getting all congested. Bad cough, boogers everywhere, sensitive to light, flushed and lethargic. Joel went out at 5am to get him some baby Tylenol and the poor little bugger isn't much better right now. He's napping away. It's weird because he hasn't had so much as a runny nose his entire life and then all of a sudden this. So then I get a phone call from Jenn this morning asking about my dad - she's surprised I went to go visit him because didn't anyone tell me that he had MRSA - a highly contagious staph infection that manifested itself as pneumonia in him?! Wooow. Thanks Cape Cod Hospital! When we were there the other night I noticed the warning sign on his room door cautioning anyone from coming in contact with him. When I asked why that was there no one had an answer for me and brushed it off. It would be really nice to know that he's fucking contagious and infectious. Ugh. But I called the pediatrician this morning and described Isaac's symptoms, then mentioned that I just found out that we were all exposed to the MRSA and she said it's really unlikely to be related at all. Bugs are just going around right now. So all I can do is keep him comfortable, keep him hydrated, and keep up with the tylenol.

Speaking of my dad, I called him today because I was going to visit, but now that it's all blizzardy out and Isaac is sick, I wanted to call to say happy new year and sorry I can't come today. We were having a good conversation, he sounded a lot better than he was the other night. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere he drifted off and hung up on me! One minute he's with it and the next he's out. It's really frustrating. When my mom and I visited him the other night he was probably in the worst shape I've seen him in since he was in a coma a few years ago. They had to get a volunteer sitter to be with him 24/7 to watch out for his behavior and stuff. At one point he started kinda twitching and sweating profusely so my mom asked a nurse to check his blood sugar. It had dipped down to 30, which triggered a 'crisis response' and turned into this whole dramatic emergency effort from a million different doctors to get him back up. If we hadn't been there with him, he would have just lapsed into a fucking coma without anyone realizing. I am so beyond fed up with the incompetence at CCH, they're all a bunch of bastards and don't know what they're doing. How did they let his sugar get that low? Wasn't anyone feeding him? They didn't even have glucose tablets on hand to give to him, or an IV in in case of something like this happening. My mom had to reiterate to them a dozen times that he's stubborn, he's persistent, keep a better eye on him. He did pull out his own breathing tube when he was in that coma, after all. He did nearly escape from a nursing home once. They don't take him seriously because he's a pain in the ass, they think he just has blood sugar problems. I wish I could be there more just to make sure he's being taken care of. I don't feel confident about anyone's abilities in that god forsaken place.

Alright, rant over. Back to my Back To The Future Marathon: Snowed in on New Years 2009 Edition.

Happy freaking New Year

Well we barely made it through the holidays, but what was I expecting? My dad is in the hospital, second time in 6 months. For the same old crap. Out of his mind, can't remember what's going on/who he is/where he is. Having trouble breathing. It's another round of "we don't know what's wrong with you so here's some more prescriptions and good luck with that." I guess his kidneys are on the brink. What else is new. Its weird because for the past few days I've been having strange feelings about him. A couple of things have happened that have just left him in the back of my mind. Then my mom calls me last night and confirmed it. Is it bad that literally every time I get a phone call, in the back of my mind I'm expecting it to be news about my dad? I've pretty much been preparing for the big one my whole life. I don't really remember him healthy or walking without a cane. On some level I think we're all ready for that day when he's finally had enough...there's been too many close calls. But last night after I got off the phone with my mom and went to go check on Isaac in bed, it hit me that my kids probably won't get to know their grampa. And it really breaks me heart - he's such a character. A really fun guy - when he's in his right mind. But this huge part of me is so fucking angry at him, so mad that he always seemed to chose his vices and his selfish desires over staying healthy enough to not be in the position that he's in now. If his sister were still alive (she went down the same exact path he's on now) she'd be slapping him around. She used to call the house and check in with me to make sure dad was "being good". But it's so past that now. No amount of good diet and strict medicine regimen can turn back all the damage that's been done. I'm mad that he's left my mom in the position that she's in- being a 24 hour nurse. It makes me sad to think about how she probably remembers him back in the day. How different things are now. How she never imagined they would end up like this. The kind of regrets she must have.

I'm probably over reacting. This will just end up being another one of those useless hospital stays where they get him just healthy enough to be discharged. I might go see him later today, I dunno.

i'm alone like i'm always alone, oh lord.

Joel has gone off on a fishing trip with his brother and dad. He left at 1am and won't be home til much later tonight. siiiigh. I like to think that I can function without him around but that's a lie. I get scared of being home alone after dark, I avoid windows and carry around my cell phone and a big kitchen knife. Yeah, I'm a basket case. I just end up forcing myself to get out and go places and see people to distract me from being all lonely and anxious. On a similar note, I've decided it might be a good idea to go back to therapy. Which is a huge, giant, enormous, intense thing for me to say and do. It's been years and with my hatred/mistrust for shrinks still fresh in my heart it will be hard to do. But that's just gonna have to be something I get over. I am visibly worn. There are giant, dark bags under my eyes. I never stop yawning. My skin is patchy and all messed up. I have these dry spots under my eyes and around my eyelids that I haven't seen since my extreme insomnia nearly 10 years ago. My hair falls outs. I'm getting more headaches. I don't know if it's post partum or normal post-baby exhaustion. But it doesn't feel good. This is way harder than working 45 hours a week in a stuffy hot kitchen during the summer with my head in the pizza over ever was. Isaac is so awesome though. And I owe it to him to start feeling better. So we'll see what happens.

less than jolly

Christmas pet peeve #1-

packaging. tiny little twisty ties and plastic knots. too much tape and anything requiring scissors, small knives, or an army of people to get out of the stupid oversized box.

Christmas pet peeve #2-

the copious amounts of bath salts, hand lotions, room sprays, body washes and other such beauty products that i would love to use but can't because my skin breaks out into burning rashes at the sight of them.


I do, however, enjoy those relatives who claim I'm "just too hard to buy for" so they hand over a 20 or 50 like its some insignificant thing. I could do without the amount of tired that I am right now though. It's been a lonnnng day.

Dear Isaac,

Now that you're six months old, I think we should have a little talk. I think it's time you start earning your keep around here. Your crib is where you sleep. Mom & Dad's bed is where they sleep. Yes they are in the same room but they have very different purposes.

The attitude has got to go.


The incessant little whining noise you've grown fond of making will eventually land me in a mental institution.

I think your toothy little grin is precious, really...


But you need to stop biting the hand (boob) that feeds you.

Now that you can crawl, I know it's only a matter of time before you're running away from me. So when I want to get one good picture of us together, I'd appreciate it if you didn't try to wiggle away with such vigor, let me have that moment!


I know you look an awful lot like your daddy but don't start taking his side yet. You're supposed to be a momma's boy, remember?


But feel free to keep making that howling baby wolf noise whenever you see something that blows your mind, because it helps me realize how new the world is to you and how I should be looking at it. Keep sucking your thumb when you get sleepy or hungry and reaching out for me in times of need. I'll never get sick of that. Don't worry about the slobbery kisses you like to give me when we play, I don't mind the drool. Here's to the next 6 months.

For the past few days I've been considering the fact that I may be on the verge of a mental collapse. The inherent sleep deprivation is finally boring a hole straight through my brain, causing destruction along it's way. Honestly, last night around midnight right after I had gotten Isaac into his night time diaper and nursed him back to sleep, I picked him up to move him and his dipe had ALREADY leaked through and soaked his pjs. I therefore had to changed his pjs and his diaper which of course meant waking him right back up again. I burst into tears and starting kicking things- clothes, toys - right across the room. Joel half-woke for a moment to declare, "are you serious?!" and I just plopped Isaac back in his crib and collapsed into bed. My body is erupting in mysterious rashes and painfully dry skin, and I'm having paranoid delusions that Joel is about to leave me! Haha man, this kid is really takin a toll on me! But then things like this happen:



Our funny little moments at home together playing, taking pictures, talking, whatever. He's so funny, he cracks me up and just as I'm about to snap he does something all cute.

tis the season

Well it's been a good sort of week. My brother has come and gone, leaving as a thirty year old. We had good times, and Isaac was really good with him. It's like he could tell that he was just one of us.




And here you see probably the only photo that exists of all five of us. My mom usually is the one taking the picture, or my parents trade off, so niether of them end up in it together. But here we are.



Also, I got a new camera. Canon A590. It's pretty amazing and I love it a lot. Its' features are very manual and realistic to a good old 35mm. For some reason my pictures are still coming out quite noisy though. I'm sure there's a combo of settings that will correct that and I just need to get used to it.

Yesterday we got our christmas tree, put it up and decorated. Also I went out and in one swoop got everything for christmas shopping done. Pretty happy about that. Isaac is so freakin spoiled. I can't wait til he'll really know whats going on. Old Navy has the besssssst baby clothes right now, I had to stop myself from buying like each and every outfit in each and every size. Geez. Anyways, here is him in some new jammies by the tree today.



Now to try and get some much needed sleeeeeeep.

gag

I love cloth diapers, I really do. I love the whole idea, i love the fuzzy bum, I love everything about them. Except Isaac is starting to have real person poop and I am NOT A FAN. I don't know how to deal with it.

In addition, if this kid doesn't start sleeping through the night like nowish, I will have people maimed. Don't blame me, blame the delirium. Blame the baby.

Sometimes, good things happen.

I'd like to thank the universe for Joel having such a good job.

His company was unable to give out raises this year, for obvious reasons. They had to make a lot of cuts in general in order to survive, but they made these decisions just in time and we able to salvage themselves. They opted to not have a christmas party this year, deeming it more important that they give to their employees a check for the amount of money they would have received, had they gotten pay raises this year. So on top of his weekly check yesterday, he got enough money for us to take care of these bills that have been looming overhead, stressing me out so much I was devising a plan to go back to work. Plus there is still a Christmas bonus coming. Tis the season to be thankful, it is such a relief right now.

I've totally been feeling the pressure to get back to work. It's such a tricky situation for me.
a) there's no way I want to go back to where I was working before. Even if I did like restaurant work, that's just not the place for me.
b) I have no other job skills. I've done office work before just fine but that's the last thing I want to get stuck doing.
c) Isaac is still totally dependent on me. The kid refuses bottles to the point where it's not worth the stress, and is very much attached to my boob. We're taking solids very slowly and he's nowhere near the point of relying on them.
d) With our plans to start trying for another baby in about a year, would it make sense to get involved with a job that I'll just have to leave again shortly after?

Everyone I talk to says to stay home as long as possible, enjoy the time with the baby. I totally agree with that. Honestly, scoff if you will, but being a stay at home mom is pretty fulfilling to me. I want to start getting involved with playgroups and other moms and find some kind of niche among the lifestyle. If I had any crafty skills, like sewing or something, I could make stuff and sell it. But that is one talent I did not inherit from my mom. Joel always says he'd rather have me go take some classes and figure out what I really want to do, than to get involved in some crap job just because I feel like I have to. I'm lucky to have such an understanding and supportive hubby. We can't afford for me to not be working. Yet somehow we're sort of keeping our heads above the water. We'll have to see what the approaching, swirling black hole called Winter on Cape Cod brings us this year.

a brownie scented house

Okay so it's been like a month since I updated. Lame. I started this thing with the intention that it wouldn't end up like a dozen other online journals, abandoned and forgotten. I've been totally lacking the wherewithall to get myself together to do much of anything. Today has been quite productive, actually, so I'm penciling in some time to get back to this thing.

My brother will be here in a week, flying in from Arizona for his 30th birthday. It's been a year since we've seen him, 2 years since we've seen his wonderful kids and I am so amazingly excited for him to meet my little boy. I think they'll love each other. He came out last year for my birthday, but I was secretly preggers and couldn't have much fun with everyone. This time will be awesome.

Sir Isaac has sprouted two teeth, the bottom front ones. The two top ones are well on their way as well, you can barely feel the corner of the right one. I think by tomorrow they'll have officially busted through. I wanna know what his damn rush is, 5 months old with 4 teeth already?! Not to mention the fact that he's mere weeks away from full-out crawling, evidenced by his tumble off the bed this morning. My fault, don't wanna talk about it because I get shakes and shivers of the classic worst case scenario mom variety, of broken necks and brain damage. But he's fine. He's a tough little guy.

Thanksgiving was rather blase, it was nice to cook with my mom and have the baby there and stuff. But my dad was having an "off day" which meant him falling asleep in his plate of food, mumbling nonsense and generally being the ghost in the room while everyone else tried to awkwardly converse. My mom said if he wasn't better in the morning that she'd take him to the hospital but I never got a phone call so I assume he's okay. It is that time of year for dad to be in the hospital afterall. Lets make it through til Christmas, alright?



a very tired, very happy little family.
<3