snowed in!

the wee babe is all sick today. Last night I noticed he wasn't sleeping well, very restless- moaning, tossing & turning in his sleep. When he went 4 1/2 hours without waking up to eat I got him out of the crib and realized he was burning up. All night he sustained a fever ranging from about 102 to 99 and started getting all congested. Bad cough, boogers everywhere, sensitive to light, flushed and lethargic. Joel went out at 5am to get him some baby Tylenol and the poor little bugger isn't much better right now. He's napping away. It's weird because he hasn't had so much as a runny nose his entire life and then all of a sudden this. So then I get a phone call from Jenn this morning asking about my dad - she's surprised I went to go visit him because didn't anyone tell me that he had MRSA - a highly contagious staph infection that manifested itself as pneumonia in him?! Wooow. Thanks Cape Cod Hospital! When we were there the other night I noticed the warning sign on his room door cautioning anyone from coming in contact with him. When I asked why that was there no one had an answer for me and brushed it off. It would be really nice to know that he's fucking contagious and infectious. Ugh. But I called the pediatrician this morning and described Isaac's symptoms, then mentioned that I just found out that we were all exposed to the MRSA and she said it's really unlikely to be related at all. Bugs are just going around right now. So all I can do is keep him comfortable, keep him hydrated, and keep up with the tylenol.

Speaking of my dad, I called him today because I was going to visit, but now that it's all blizzardy out and Isaac is sick, I wanted to call to say happy new year and sorry I can't come today. We were having a good conversation, he sounded a lot better than he was the other night. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere he drifted off and hung up on me! One minute he's with it and the next he's out. It's really frustrating. When my mom and I visited him the other night he was probably in the worst shape I've seen him in since he was in a coma a few years ago. They had to get a volunteer sitter to be with him 24/7 to watch out for his behavior and stuff. At one point he started kinda twitching and sweating profusely so my mom asked a nurse to check his blood sugar. It had dipped down to 30, which triggered a 'crisis response' and turned into this whole dramatic emergency effort from a million different doctors to get him back up. If we hadn't been there with him, he would have just lapsed into a fucking coma without anyone realizing. I am so beyond fed up with the incompetence at CCH, they're all a bunch of bastards and don't know what they're doing. How did they let his sugar get that low? Wasn't anyone feeding him? They didn't even have glucose tablets on hand to give to him, or an IV in in case of something like this happening. My mom had to reiterate to them a dozen times that he's stubborn, he's persistent, keep a better eye on him. He did pull out his own breathing tube when he was in that coma, after all. He did nearly escape from a nursing home once. They don't take him seriously because he's a pain in the ass, they think he just has blood sugar problems. I wish I could be there more just to make sure he's being taken care of. I don't feel confident about anyone's abilities in that god forsaken place.

Alright, rant over. Back to my Back To The Future Marathon: Snowed in on New Years 2009 Edition.

Happy freaking New Year

Well we barely made it through the holidays, but what was I expecting? My dad is in the hospital, second time in 6 months. For the same old crap. Out of his mind, can't remember what's going on/who he is/where he is. Having trouble breathing. It's another round of "we don't know what's wrong with you so here's some more prescriptions and good luck with that." I guess his kidneys are on the brink. What else is new. Its weird because for the past few days I've been having strange feelings about him. A couple of things have happened that have just left him in the back of my mind. Then my mom calls me last night and confirmed it. Is it bad that literally every time I get a phone call, in the back of my mind I'm expecting it to be news about my dad? I've pretty much been preparing for the big one my whole life. I don't really remember him healthy or walking without a cane. On some level I think we're all ready for that day when he's finally had enough...there's been too many close calls. But last night after I got off the phone with my mom and went to go check on Isaac in bed, it hit me that my kids probably won't get to know their grampa. And it really breaks me heart - he's such a character. A really fun guy - when he's in his right mind. But this huge part of me is so fucking angry at him, so mad that he always seemed to chose his vices and his selfish desires over staying healthy enough to not be in the position that he's in now. If his sister were still alive (she went down the same exact path he's on now) she'd be slapping him around. She used to call the house and check in with me to make sure dad was "being good". But it's so past that now. No amount of good diet and strict medicine regimen can turn back all the damage that's been done. I'm mad that he's left my mom in the position that she's in- being a 24 hour nurse. It makes me sad to think about how she probably remembers him back in the day. How different things are now. How she never imagined they would end up like this. The kind of regrets she must have.

I'm probably over reacting. This will just end up being another one of those useless hospital stays where they get him just healthy enough to be discharged. I might go see him later today, I dunno.

i'm alone like i'm always alone, oh lord.

Joel has gone off on a fishing trip with his brother and dad. He left at 1am and won't be home til much later tonight. siiiigh. I like to think that I can function without him around but that's a lie. I get scared of being home alone after dark, I avoid windows and carry around my cell phone and a big kitchen knife. Yeah, I'm a basket case. I just end up forcing myself to get out and go places and see people to distract me from being all lonely and anxious. On a similar note, I've decided it might be a good idea to go back to therapy. Which is a huge, giant, enormous, intense thing for me to say and do. It's been years and with my hatred/mistrust for shrinks still fresh in my heart it will be hard to do. But that's just gonna have to be something I get over. I am visibly worn. There are giant, dark bags under my eyes. I never stop yawning. My skin is patchy and all messed up. I have these dry spots under my eyes and around my eyelids that I haven't seen since my extreme insomnia nearly 10 years ago. My hair falls outs. I'm getting more headaches. I don't know if it's post partum or normal post-baby exhaustion. But it doesn't feel good. This is way harder than working 45 hours a week in a stuffy hot kitchen during the summer with my head in the pizza over ever was. Isaac is so awesome though. And I owe it to him to start feeling better. So we'll see what happens.

less than jolly

Christmas pet peeve #1-

packaging. tiny little twisty ties and plastic knots. too much tape and anything requiring scissors, small knives, or an army of people to get out of the stupid oversized box.

Christmas pet peeve #2-

the copious amounts of bath salts, hand lotions, room sprays, body washes and other such beauty products that i would love to use but can't because my skin breaks out into burning rashes at the sight of them.


I do, however, enjoy those relatives who claim I'm "just too hard to buy for" so they hand over a 20 or 50 like its some insignificant thing. I could do without the amount of tired that I am right now though. It's been a lonnnng day.

Dear Isaac,

Now that you're six months old, I think we should have a little talk. I think it's time you start earning your keep around here. Your crib is where you sleep. Mom & Dad's bed is where they sleep. Yes they are in the same room but they have very different purposes.

The attitude has got to go.


The incessant little whining noise you've grown fond of making will eventually land me in a mental institution.

I think your toothy little grin is precious, really...


But you need to stop biting the hand (boob) that feeds you.

Now that you can crawl, I know it's only a matter of time before you're running away from me. So when I want to get one good picture of us together, I'd appreciate it if you didn't try to wiggle away with such vigor, let me have that moment!


I know you look an awful lot like your daddy but don't start taking his side yet. You're supposed to be a momma's boy, remember?


But feel free to keep making that howling baby wolf noise whenever you see something that blows your mind, because it helps me realize how new the world is to you and how I should be looking at it. Keep sucking your thumb when you get sleepy or hungry and reaching out for me in times of need. I'll never get sick of that. Don't worry about the slobbery kisses you like to give me when we play, I don't mind the drool. Here's to the next 6 months.

For the past few days I've been considering the fact that I may be on the verge of a mental collapse. The inherent sleep deprivation is finally boring a hole straight through my brain, causing destruction along it's way. Honestly, last night around midnight right after I had gotten Isaac into his night time diaper and nursed him back to sleep, I picked him up to move him and his dipe had ALREADY leaked through and soaked his pjs. I therefore had to changed his pjs and his diaper which of course meant waking him right back up again. I burst into tears and starting kicking things- clothes, toys - right across the room. Joel half-woke for a moment to declare, "are you serious?!" and I just plopped Isaac back in his crib and collapsed into bed. My body is erupting in mysterious rashes and painfully dry skin, and I'm having paranoid delusions that Joel is about to leave me! Haha man, this kid is really takin a toll on me! But then things like this happen:



Our funny little moments at home together playing, taking pictures, talking, whatever. He's so funny, he cracks me up and just as I'm about to snap he does something all cute.

tis the season

Well it's been a good sort of week. My brother has come and gone, leaving as a thirty year old. We had good times, and Isaac was really good with him. It's like he could tell that he was just one of us.




And here you see probably the only photo that exists of all five of us. My mom usually is the one taking the picture, or my parents trade off, so niether of them end up in it together. But here we are.



Also, I got a new camera. Canon A590. It's pretty amazing and I love it a lot. Its' features are very manual and realistic to a good old 35mm. For some reason my pictures are still coming out quite noisy though. I'm sure there's a combo of settings that will correct that and I just need to get used to it.

Yesterday we got our christmas tree, put it up and decorated. Also I went out and in one swoop got everything for christmas shopping done. Pretty happy about that. Isaac is so freakin spoiled. I can't wait til he'll really know whats going on. Old Navy has the besssssst baby clothes right now, I had to stop myself from buying like each and every outfit in each and every size. Geez. Anyways, here is him in some new jammies by the tree today.



Now to try and get some much needed sleeeeeeep.

gag

I love cloth diapers, I really do. I love the whole idea, i love the fuzzy bum, I love everything about them. Except Isaac is starting to have real person poop and I am NOT A FAN. I don't know how to deal with it.

In addition, if this kid doesn't start sleeping through the night like nowish, I will have people maimed. Don't blame me, blame the delirium. Blame the baby.

Sometimes, good things happen.

I'd like to thank the universe for Joel having such a good job.

His company was unable to give out raises this year, for obvious reasons. They had to make a lot of cuts in general in order to survive, but they made these decisions just in time and we able to salvage themselves. They opted to not have a christmas party this year, deeming it more important that they give to their employees a check for the amount of money they would have received, had they gotten pay raises this year. So on top of his weekly check yesterday, he got enough money for us to take care of these bills that have been looming overhead, stressing me out so much I was devising a plan to go back to work. Plus there is still a Christmas bonus coming. Tis the season to be thankful, it is such a relief right now.

I've totally been feeling the pressure to get back to work. It's such a tricky situation for me.
a) there's no way I want to go back to where I was working before. Even if I did like restaurant work, that's just not the place for me.
b) I have no other job skills. I've done office work before just fine but that's the last thing I want to get stuck doing.
c) Isaac is still totally dependent on me. The kid refuses bottles to the point where it's not worth the stress, and is very much attached to my boob. We're taking solids very slowly and he's nowhere near the point of relying on them.
d) With our plans to start trying for another baby in about a year, would it make sense to get involved with a job that I'll just have to leave again shortly after?

Everyone I talk to says to stay home as long as possible, enjoy the time with the baby. I totally agree with that. Honestly, scoff if you will, but being a stay at home mom is pretty fulfilling to me. I want to start getting involved with playgroups and other moms and find some kind of niche among the lifestyle. If I had any crafty skills, like sewing or something, I could make stuff and sell it. But that is one talent I did not inherit from my mom. Joel always says he'd rather have me go take some classes and figure out what I really want to do, than to get involved in some crap job just because I feel like I have to. I'm lucky to have such an understanding and supportive hubby. We can't afford for me to not be working. Yet somehow we're sort of keeping our heads above the water. We'll have to see what the approaching, swirling black hole called Winter on Cape Cod brings us this year.

a brownie scented house

Okay so it's been like a month since I updated. Lame. I started this thing with the intention that it wouldn't end up like a dozen other online journals, abandoned and forgotten. I've been totally lacking the wherewithall to get myself together to do much of anything. Today has been quite productive, actually, so I'm penciling in some time to get back to this thing.

My brother will be here in a week, flying in from Arizona for his 30th birthday. It's been a year since we've seen him, 2 years since we've seen his wonderful kids and I am so amazingly excited for him to meet my little boy. I think they'll love each other. He came out last year for my birthday, but I was secretly preggers and couldn't have much fun with everyone. This time will be awesome.

Sir Isaac has sprouted two teeth, the bottom front ones. The two top ones are well on their way as well, you can barely feel the corner of the right one. I think by tomorrow they'll have officially busted through. I wanna know what his damn rush is, 5 months old with 4 teeth already?! Not to mention the fact that he's mere weeks away from full-out crawling, evidenced by his tumble off the bed this morning. My fault, don't wanna talk about it because I get shakes and shivers of the classic worst case scenario mom variety, of broken necks and brain damage. But he's fine. He's a tough little guy.

Thanksgiving was rather blase, it was nice to cook with my mom and have the baby there and stuff. But my dad was having an "off day" which meant him falling asleep in his plate of food, mumbling nonsense and generally being the ghost in the room while everyone else tried to awkwardly converse. My mom said if he wasn't better in the morning that she'd take him to the hospital but I never got a phone call so I assume he's okay. It is that time of year for dad to be in the hospital afterall. Lets make it through til Christmas, alright?



a very tired, very happy little family.
<3

bwawk

I can't muster up the energy to give a crap about most anything today. And yet, I'm finding myself so beyond irritated at it all. The psoriasis? eczema? leprosy? that is plaguing my hands is really bad today, made worse by the fact that I'm incessantly washing my hands, paranoid of viruses and germs that could infiltrate my precious baby's pure immune system. Joel decided to pull apart our whole closet the other night and NOT finish the project, so now there are piles of old clothes strewn about and I can't bring myself to sift through any of it because 1)the thought of touching dry fabric with the condition of the skin on my hands makes me shudder and 2) going through all of the old clothes that will NEVER FIT ME AGAIN because of the gigantic state my boobs are in is a little hard to take. I took the bunny to the vet to get his nails clipped today, and the usual ordeal of almost scratching the techs' eyes out and getting eaten by the dogs in the waiting room got me all panicky. Now he's hiding, bitter and traumatized. The kitchen is a mess because we still haven't resolved the mouse situation, though they did eat every last bit of the D-CON. We haven't bothered putting the silverware back yet though just in case. The refrigerator has been FREEZING everything in there, not that there's much because when the hell do we ever go shopping? Out of money, out of food. It's really nice out but I think I'm going to get back into my pjs and do a totally half-assed job at being a mom today. Don't even get me started on Joel's new life ventures, I'll save that for another rant.

woopty doo

Its ma birthdaaayy!
the big two-three. How very useless. It's simply one year closer to a quarter of a century so who cares. I think we're doing dinner & a movie tonight which is awesome, it'll be really nice to get some time to ourselves. My mom called me this morning to wish my happy birthday and to tell me a collection agency called looking for me. Haha, thanks mom! Just keep reminding me about my financial problems. I think I owe various doctors more money than I made last year. I thank my sickly genes for that.
Anyhoo, its an overcast, damp, chill-you-to-your-bones type of November day and all it does is bring on flashbacks of all the childhood birthday parties that were ruined due to the weather. So I'm just gonna go about my business and try to forget that I'm just getting old.

it might be OCD

Unhealthy obsession #2: hunting down & mercilessly destroying Isaac's boogers and earwax build up. It annoys the crap out of him, but I simply can't help myself. It must be a mom thing.

We've started slowly introducing solids to the babe, to his delight:



It's bittersweet for me though, I have this fear that he will love it so much that he won't want me anymore. I didn't think I'd be so attached to nursing but I am. But he's a very hungry little man, showing all the signs of being ready and I can't deny him that. Parenting is a fine line between doing what you know is best for the child while still fulfilling your needs. Jenn told me that the hardest part about having kids is when they don't need you anymore. I think she's right.

Our power went out for a while last night. Transformers on our street are always blowing up, so its nothing new. It was kind of fun, we lit a bunch of candles and played in the dark & stuff. It was Isaac's first exposure to candles so he was ooooing and ahhhing at them. When the power came back it was a little disappointing. We turned everything off again. It was nice.

Meanwhile, we left out D-Con for the meeses last night and the buggers devoured every last bit. They had eaten the peanut butter off the traps and got away unscathed! But not this time, fools. I don't like killing animals. I used to have mice as pets. I have nothing against them except that they think it's acceptable to shite on and around my eating utensils. I live by the live and let live type philosophy, but geez. Go back to where you came from and leave me be, ya dig?

Tidy

Wow, crazy. GObama!



I booked Isaac for Sears portraits for Christmas. They better give me a good deal, bastards! I see a good package online but the lady at Sears said last time that the location a CCM doesn't honor those deals. I'll have to bust some skulls if they won't. I'm not paying $300+ for pictures.

We have mice in our kitchen! We keep finding droppings in our silverware drawer. *shudder* we set a bunch of traps, I haven't heard anything go off yet. I know you're there, suckers! I'm afraid to open the drawers.

Also, there are strange men in my bedroom replacing two of our windows. There are gaping holes disrupting my life. Its weird living somewhere where you have no control over what happens. They just come on in and start doing what they do. I can't wait to own a house.

Quite Autumn

Yesterday was beautiful. Joel is gone to New Hampshire til tomorrow night, he's taking classes for work. We miss him.

can you tell me how to get...

I use the baby as an excuse to watch Sesame Street. he responds to Elmo's voice but other than that, why would he even watch it? I've turned it into my own problem. Holding onto childhood memories and reliving them through him. Whatever, that show is friggin amazing.


We totally slacked on Halloween. I went to go try and find a pumpkin at least, but apparently pumpkin sales cease at this point? Society is trying to rub it in my face that I am too late, I have failed. We were going to dress up as Popeye, Olive Oil & Sweet Pea. So hokey, I know. But Joel has been looking for an excuse to be Popeye for years now and he'd make a perfect one. But it's just such a hassle this year with the wee one. We're going to take my niece out and try to make it as much fun as possible because all of her little tween friends ditched her and made her sad. I'm resisting the urge to hunt them down like animals as I speak.

I used to get really spiritual about Halloween. Lighting candles, inviting spirits, leaving gifts for Gods & Godesses alike. I love halloween but like I said, it's just a hassle this year. So I will resort to bombarding my parents and eating all of their candy. Next year will be more fun.

Birth Story, extended version.

Well here it is. after like 2 months of collecting my thoughts and trying to remember everything. the full length version of Isaac's birth story. only proceed if you're extremely bored and have the time, and don't mind talk about cervix's' and uteri and things of that nature. i realize it's a little weird to be so adament about this but it's been kind of part of this whole "healing" process for me, to accept what happened and get it all out. so yeah.

birth story, extended version.

another victim of the cold wind

today is another blustery, confused, typical fall day in new england. it began yesterday when the wind picked up and the clouds blew in. thick, yellow clouds bringing spotty bits of rain and gloom. they raced across the sky hastily and left the occasional clearing of sunlit atmosphere, allowing the sun time to highlight the apparent peak of foliage. playing cruel jokes, it would send giant droplets of rain - hurling themselves towards earth even as the sun attempted to warm our faces. rainbows shot across horizons and it was unclear whether i should run to my car seeking cover or take my time. the evening progressed and the clouds grew darker, slinking in close to the ground in blankets of fog. the wind howled in over the ocean and picked a particular pitch with which to howl, so as to sound scarily ominous. lights flickered and dimmed while the numerous remains of trees scattered about frantically, at the whim of anothers' will.

heh heh

Isaac's new nickname is PoopLeak.

I'll leave you with that to stew over.

Spiny bastards

Yesterday I was attacked by a giant clump of thistle, they attached themselves to my sleeve and their tiny barbs marred up my wrist. Do those things have toxins or otherwise devious defenses?? Because my hand feels sort of limp and defeated.

Its a rather dark and stormy day here today. I'm starting a "don't be fat and disgusting" diet. I better eat the rest of those brownies I made...you know, just to get rid of them.

I was just thinking about my future house and how awesome it's gonna be. When we do get to the point where we buy a house, I have many requirements.

-a basement with space for a black & white darkroom.
-exposed rafters for hanging large plants and implementing an indoor swing.
-giant trees in the yard. treehouses.
-enough land to have a small farm, complete with chickens and pigs and a nice big greenhouse.
-an indoor hot tub.

amongst other details.

I really want my kids to grow up farm-style. With responsibilities and dirty chores and lots of outdoor fun. Self-sufficient knowledge and appreciation for animals and the earth and all that good stuff. I kind of realized that I will only be truly fulfilled once I live in such a way. It's gonna be fun times.

4 months

Today, I am officially the mother of a four month old. Weird? Extremely. He's getting so big. I try and think back to the first few days at the hospital, and it was a totally different lifetime. Not to mention even just the days before the birth - that was centuries ago. Its weird to think that there was a time before him. My little booger.

slumber pains

Someone, somewhere needs to invent baby sleeping pills. Or like in liquid form. A few drops on the tongue and the perfectly harmless tincture lulls the perfectly peaceful babe to sleep, lasting a good 6 hours with no ill side effects. Ahh...how amazing would that be?

dog whispering

I have an unhealthy obsession with Cesar Millan...






The brilliantly white teeth! The salt & pepper locks! The classy shoes and wacky rollerblades! The sassy accent! The calm assertiveness! Swooon. I seriously watch way too much of that show.

Lonesome

I do stupid, silly things when I'm left alone for too long. And that's been happening quite often lately. Getting pretty sick of it, for reals.




Today is my mom's birthday. Yesterday we had a nice family dinner. Whenever there's an event that requires a gathering of the fam, even if it's solely for the purpose of her, she cooks. Her birthday? She cooks. Mother's Day? She cooks. But I know that's secretly how she wants it. She's happiest when she's providing. As long as everyone is there, that's all that matters. I guess it's a mom thing.

Yesterday was also the one year anniversary of finding out I was pregnant. I can remember that whole day perfectly. I had written about it in my little portable diary I carry around with me everywhere...

"the day i found out i was pregnant with you was a tuesday. the weather was perfect and the colors were changing. at first i was extremely happy, but then i cried my eyes out. i became very scared. without health insurance or any money to even take care of you before you were born, i felt like it would be impossible to make this work. i told your father that night. it was cold out but the sky was clear and the moon was waxing. we spoke over hot chocolate."

The birth story is almost done.

Draining

I had to get a mouth guard from my dentist the other day. I have to wear it all the time for 3-4 weeks! Day and night! It's such a pain in my ass, I have all these mouth sores and tooth pain. It's an attempt to fix my messed up jaw in hopes that I won't need surgery or braces or anything horrible like that. Just another medical bill. My dentist is a good guy I guess, he's always giving me discounts and stuff. I can't tell if it's awesome or condescending. Either way, this thing sucks and I don't wanna wear it! Waaahhh.

We got Isaac the Baby Einstein activity jumper to try and keep him occupied. It has turned out to be one giant failure. He likes it long enough first thing in the morning for me to have a cup of coffee, but much longer than that and he gets red in the face and starts hexing the little frog with baby curses. He's so hard to keep busy. I can't wait til he can walk so he can entertain himself. Go run into walls, sure, as long as you're happy. Little Bugger.

I'm highly annoyed with a number of domestic problems but feeling too defeated to write about it right now. I'm working on the extended version of my birth story, it's almost done so I'm gonna be posting it here soon. I've been working on it for like 2 months now. Ha. I don't know why it's so important to me to have every detail of the event accounted for, but it is and I'd like to share it. I suppose I could get to bed now. Laying in bed in awkward, tense silence isn't a good feeling though. I'll put it off a little longer.

Intense wiggling

Why can't he ever sit stil & relax? I try to soothe him and say chiiilllll maaannnn but this little guy is rambunctious. Cesar Millan always says you should have a dog who matches your energy level. What about babies?


This weekend Joel and I got 2 year upgrades on our phones. I got the Rumor, the crazy outer space phone with the slide out keyboard to satisfy my texting needs. Joel got some other black thing, wasn't paying attention. Anyways, Joel's was out of stock so they had to order it, but I got mine on the spot. The salesman was this nice old guy with thick ear hair and seriously nasty smoker's teeth. He seemed a little out of his league to be honest. While he was setting up my phone doing whatever it is they do on the computers that takes 5 days, I was checking it out. Then I realized he'd put it under Joel's phone number. *My* phone with *Joel's* number. I pointed it out and the guy looked dumb struck, started stumbling and fumbling with words and papers, looked like he was gonna cry. I asked if you know, he could just fix it. But he just sort of stared at me like this was asking the impossible. Can they do that? I dunno. Joel tried to rectify the situation and make him feel better by saying let's just wait til my phone comes in and we'll deal with it then. Great! Now I have this super sweet new phone that I can't use cuz it's really Joel's. So for the meantime he has to use it, and he'll probably break it. Bahhh.

In other news, I feel like an idiot. We got a loan last week to help take care of some bills and buy Joel a new car before winter hits and we're up shit's creek. We paid off a bunch of stuff and Joel did get a car. I had more in my bank account than I've seen in months, and it made me a little giddy. I got pumped about a bunch of stuff online and placed like 50 orders without blinking. Stupid! I told him I just got a few things that I needed. Lolz. Now when it all comes in I'll have to hide a few things. Also, we still get our mail at my parents' house, so it's all going there. I can feel their judgement already. Yes I am irresponsible with money. Back off.

I got the pictures back from that wedding, and I have to say, a lot of them came out really awesome. I'm excited about it. I wish I had a scanner, I'd show them off. It was a lot of fun running around with my camera, having people treat me like I knew what I was doing. I hope they like what I put together for them.

Hazy, hot & humid

I was thinking maybe since life has been a bit lonely lately, perhaps I should start creating things like I used to. Among such things was the written word...I haven't been creative in what seems like years. No time for scrapbooking, writing, even picture taking has been limited, as I can barely even get out to buy some film. A friend of our family asked me to take pictures for their wedding next weekend and it scares the hell out of me. I know they're not looking for any bigtime professional job but it's been a while and I'm worried they'll be thoroughly disappointed. I'm not one for claiming to be anything that I'm not, and one thing I'm not is a real photographer. So many people tell me I should be but it's one of those things that could have happened and never materialized. Besides, what an expensive hobby. It doesn't change the fact that once we own a house someday, one thing I require is space for a black & white darkroom in the basement. I've sort of accepted the fact that it's probably just going to be one of those things I'm sort of good at and left at that. Like so many other things in my life. I've yet to find a real passion and although I get random motivations to make half-assed attempts at doing things like taking classes, I am pretty good at making up reasons why I can't. I suppose I've never had a real good opportunity come my way that has kicked me into gear. I've spent a lot of time waiting around for one though, and you don't need to tell me that that will get me nowhere. For now the little boy sleeping in the other room is my passion, and yeah having a kid is something most anyone can do. But when it comes down to it, a big family with tons of pictures and stories and love is all I really wanted in life anyway. So here we are...