can you tell me how to get...

I use the baby as an excuse to watch Sesame Street. he responds to Elmo's voice but other than that, why would he even watch it? I've turned it into my own problem. Holding onto childhood memories and reliving them through him. Whatever, that show is friggin amazing.


We totally slacked on Halloween. I went to go try and find a pumpkin at least, but apparently pumpkin sales cease at this point? Society is trying to rub it in my face that I am too late, I have failed. We were going to dress up as Popeye, Olive Oil & Sweet Pea. So hokey, I know. But Joel has been looking for an excuse to be Popeye for years now and he'd make a perfect one. But it's just such a hassle this year with the wee one. We're going to take my niece out and try to make it as much fun as possible because all of her little tween friends ditched her and made her sad. I'm resisting the urge to hunt them down like animals as I speak.

I used to get really spiritual about Halloween. Lighting candles, inviting spirits, leaving gifts for Gods & Godesses alike. I love halloween but like I said, it's just a hassle this year. So I will resort to bombarding my parents and eating all of their candy. Next year will be more fun.

Birth Story, extended version.

Well here it is. after like 2 months of collecting my thoughts and trying to remember everything. the full length version of Isaac's birth story. only proceed if you're extremely bored and have the time, and don't mind talk about cervix's' and uteri and things of that nature. i realize it's a little weird to be so adament about this but it's been kind of part of this whole "healing" process for me, to accept what happened and get it all out. so yeah.

birth story, extended version.

another victim of the cold wind

today is another blustery, confused, typical fall day in new england. it began yesterday when the wind picked up and the clouds blew in. thick, yellow clouds bringing spotty bits of rain and gloom. they raced across the sky hastily and left the occasional clearing of sunlit atmosphere, allowing the sun time to highlight the apparent peak of foliage. playing cruel jokes, it would send giant droplets of rain - hurling themselves towards earth even as the sun attempted to warm our faces. rainbows shot across horizons and it was unclear whether i should run to my car seeking cover or take my time. the evening progressed and the clouds grew darker, slinking in close to the ground in blankets of fog. the wind howled in over the ocean and picked a particular pitch with which to howl, so as to sound scarily ominous. lights flickered and dimmed while the numerous remains of trees scattered about frantically, at the whim of anothers' will.

heh heh

Isaac's new nickname is PoopLeak.

I'll leave you with that to stew over.

Spiny bastards

Yesterday I was attacked by a giant clump of thistle, they attached themselves to my sleeve and their tiny barbs marred up my wrist. Do those things have toxins or otherwise devious defenses?? Because my hand feels sort of limp and defeated.

Its a rather dark and stormy day here today. I'm starting a "don't be fat and disgusting" diet. I better eat the rest of those brownies I made...you know, just to get rid of them.

I was just thinking about my future house and how awesome it's gonna be. When we do get to the point where we buy a house, I have many requirements.

-a basement with space for a black & white darkroom.
-exposed rafters for hanging large plants and implementing an indoor swing.
-giant trees in the yard. treehouses.
-enough land to have a small farm, complete with chickens and pigs and a nice big greenhouse.
-an indoor hot tub.

amongst other details.

I really want my kids to grow up farm-style. With responsibilities and dirty chores and lots of outdoor fun. Self-sufficient knowledge and appreciation for animals and the earth and all that good stuff. I kind of realized that I will only be truly fulfilled once I live in such a way. It's gonna be fun times.

4 months

Today, I am officially the mother of a four month old. Weird? Extremely. He's getting so big. I try and think back to the first few days at the hospital, and it was a totally different lifetime. Not to mention even just the days before the birth - that was centuries ago. Its weird to think that there was a time before him. My little booger.

slumber pains

Someone, somewhere needs to invent baby sleeping pills. Or like in liquid form. A few drops on the tongue and the perfectly harmless tincture lulls the perfectly peaceful babe to sleep, lasting a good 6 hours with no ill side effects. Ahh...how amazing would that be?

dog whispering

I have an unhealthy obsession with Cesar Millan...






The brilliantly white teeth! The salt & pepper locks! The classy shoes and wacky rollerblades! The sassy accent! The calm assertiveness! Swooon. I seriously watch way too much of that show.

Lonesome

I do stupid, silly things when I'm left alone for too long. And that's been happening quite often lately. Getting pretty sick of it, for reals.




Today is my mom's birthday. Yesterday we had a nice family dinner. Whenever there's an event that requires a gathering of the fam, even if it's solely for the purpose of her, she cooks. Her birthday? She cooks. Mother's Day? She cooks. But I know that's secretly how she wants it. She's happiest when she's providing. As long as everyone is there, that's all that matters. I guess it's a mom thing.

Yesterday was also the one year anniversary of finding out I was pregnant. I can remember that whole day perfectly. I had written about it in my little portable diary I carry around with me everywhere...

"the day i found out i was pregnant with you was a tuesday. the weather was perfect and the colors were changing. at first i was extremely happy, but then i cried my eyes out. i became very scared. without health insurance or any money to even take care of you before you were born, i felt like it would be impossible to make this work. i told your father that night. it was cold out but the sky was clear and the moon was waxing. we spoke over hot chocolate."

The birth story is almost done.

Draining

I had to get a mouth guard from my dentist the other day. I have to wear it all the time for 3-4 weeks! Day and night! It's such a pain in my ass, I have all these mouth sores and tooth pain. It's an attempt to fix my messed up jaw in hopes that I won't need surgery or braces or anything horrible like that. Just another medical bill. My dentist is a good guy I guess, he's always giving me discounts and stuff. I can't tell if it's awesome or condescending. Either way, this thing sucks and I don't wanna wear it! Waaahhh.

We got Isaac the Baby Einstein activity jumper to try and keep him occupied. It has turned out to be one giant failure. He likes it long enough first thing in the morning for me to have a cup of coffee, but much longer than that and he gets red in the face and starts hexing the little frog with baby curses. He's so hard to keep busy. I can't wait til he can walk so he can entertain himself. Go run into walls, sure, as long as you're happy. Little Bugger.

I'm highly annoyed with a number of domestic problems but feeling too defeated to write about it right now. I'm working on the extended version of my birth story, it's almost done so I'm gonna be posting it here soon. I've been working on it for like 2 months now. Ha. I don't know why it's so important to me to have every detail of the event accounted for, but it is and I'd like to share it. I suppose I could get to bed now. Laying in bed in awkward, tense silence isn't a good feeling though. I'll put it off a little longer.

Intense wiggling

Why can't he ever sit stil & relax? I try to soothe him and say chiiilllll maaannnn but this little guy is rambunctious. Cesar Millan always says you should have a dog who matches your energy level. What about babies?


This weekend Joel and I got 2 year upgrades on our phones. I got the Rumor, the crazy outer space phone with the slide out keyboard to satisfy my texting needs. Joel got some other black thing, wasn't paying attention. Anyways, Joel's was out of stock so they had to order it, but I got mine on the spot. The salesman was this nice old guy with thick ear hair and seriously nasty smoker's teeth. He seemed a little out of his league to be honest. While he was setting up my phone doing whatever it is they do on the computers that takes 5 days, I was checking it out. Then I realized he'd put it under Joel's phone number. *My* phone with *Joel's* number. I pointed it out and the guy looked dumb struck, started stumbling and fumbling with words and papers, looked like he was gonna cry. I asked if you know, he could just fix it. But he just sort of stared at me like this was asking the impossible. Can they do that? I dunno. Joel tried to rectify the situation and make him feel better by saying let's just wait til my phone comes in and we'll deal with it then. Great! Now I have this super sweet new phone that I can't use cuz it's really Joel's. So for the meantime he has to use it, and he'll probably break it. Bahhh.

In other news, I feel like an idiot. We got a loan last week to help take care of some bills and buy Joel a new car before winter hits and we're up shit's creek. We paid off a bunch of stuff and Joel did get a car. I had more in my bank account than I've seen in months, and it made me a little giddy. I got pumped about a bunch of stuff online and placed like 50 orders without blinking. Stupid! I told him I just got a few things that I needed. Lolz. Now when it all comes in I'll have to hide a few things. Also, we still get our mail at my parents' house, so it's all going there. I can feel their judgement already. Yes I am irresponsible with money. Back off.

I got the pictures back from that wedding, and I have to say, a lot of them came out really awesome. I'm excited about it. I wish I had a scanner, I'd show them off. It was a lot of fun running around with my camera, having people treat me like I knew what I was doing. I hope they like what I put together for them.