oh so smooth & dreamy

It's been raining non stop for two days now. I don't mind it so much, I definitely prefer steady rain over snow, or persistent fog that just makes everything damp and chilly. At least you know the earth is taking care of itself, gearing up for the spring by watering everything down. Before you know it, everything will be green and sprouting. And that's encouraging.

I've been thinking a lot about the fact that Isaac's first birthday is fast approaching. I feel like I only just settled into a routine that I can manage. Since getting my car back I finally have established some confidence in making public outings happen with baby in tow. Going to the store, post office, bank, whatever..I no longer feel like that's only something I can do if someone watches him at home. No, I am woman, I am capable. I've been thinking about how it's been such a short time since I really got comfortable and in the groove with breastfeeding, and pretty soon it'll be over. I definitely plan on making it to a year and I'm sure we'll go longer, but I'm not one of those women who enjoys the thought of really extended nursing..like til age two or three. Sorry, but I feel like at some point a boundary needs to be established. Like..this is my body. I am glad I could provide for you but now you have other means. So I figure he'll probably be about 15 months by the time he's fully weaned. And you know...that's not far off. Kind of sad.

This coming saturday at the Holistic Families meeting we'll be discussing birth stories. I keep practicing in my head exactly what I want to say. There is so much. So much back story, so much to explain. I sort of feel like that to this particular group of people there will be so much to justify. I'll probably be the only one of them who has had a c-section. It's hard for me..I'm afraid I'll end up crying while I'm trying to share my story. I am kind of hoping that talking about it with people who understand the importance of birth (these ladies are doulas and midwives or were seen by doulas and midwives) will help me to move on and find some sort of acceptance. I'm really sick and tired of feeling so bitter and emotional about what I went through. Blah.

Time for bed.