turn, turn, turn

I wanted to share that through some hard times recently we have made the decision to move. I love this apartment/house we have, I love the big spacious rooms, the view of the bay, the convenient location, the fabulous appliances and the memories we have here. Sometimes you just need to face facts. We were doing okay before I stopped work, but since the money has been spread thin, we just can't afford to stay. Sometime next month we will be moving into a cute little basement apartment in Joel's aunt's house, and I am excited, anxious, stressed, and apprehensive about it. It's farther away still from all of my family. Not by much, but there is a certain Cape Cod mind frame that can't comprehend distances of more than 20 minutes. So I can expect to see less and less of the people I already see so little of. There are other certain hitches in the plan, like scrambling to find a portable washing machine, the daunting task of having to sell like half of what we own because most of it won't fit, and can anyone point me in the right direction of having my desktop computer become wireless capable?

But all in all, this is a good thing. We will have a quaint little two bedroom (!!) place that is clean, quiet, and under the care of family. We will have a beautifully landscaped yard next to the bike trail and be able to save some money. The plan is for Joel to go to school this fall and get this really great job that I won't elaborate on just yet, but then our next living situation could possibly turn into our first home. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. I hate moving more than anything, I've only done it twice in my life so you can imagine the amount of CRAP I have accumulated over the years. I come from a long line of pack rats and find it hard to let go of things. "but I might need that someday!" often comes spewing out of my mouth. But I am excited to purge a lot of junk and make this happen.

Isaac's first birthday party is on the 21st here, and it will be the last great shindig at this house, the first place we lived in together on our own as a married couple, as a family. I get sentimental about this sort of thing so it will be bittersweet. Changes! They are upon us.

Alright, so

Today marks the start of a spring and summer filled with fun things. The signs of it are everywhere, the hazy heat of mid morning/afternoon, the trip to the beach I've been packing for all morning, the cute little shorts the boy is terrorizing the house in, my bright red sun dress, and the giant horrible wolf spiders present in or around our house today. My skin is crawling and I can't bear the thought of confronting one on my own, without the manliness that is Joel around to be the defeater.

It also means that in only a short number of weeks my boy will be a year old. This time last year I was losing the ability to sit, stand, walk or sleep with any type of comfort or dignity. The burden on my loins is now a babbling, crawling, yelling, smiley little bruiser causing mayhem and breakin' hearts. It's the epitome of 'nuts'.

Meanwhile, the time to think about going back to work for a few hours a week is here. I'll probably end up back at the restaurant for Friday and/or Saturday nights, which won't be bad because I'll be making tips and bossing little high school girls around. Also, a family friend needs help on fridays during the day to pick his garden in preparation for the Farmer's Market every weekend all summer. The pay is probably minimal, or it could only be in the form of free veggies (which is cool with me), but I'm actually anxious to make it happen because I like the thought of being outside, getting dirty and sunburned, working hard and sweating it up for a few hours a week if I can.

Anyways, the hours of this day are slipping away so we are going to have some lunch and get going. I leave you with...

Blank page

Don't look at me like that. Stop mocking me! Oh, the pure whiteness of you, blank page, and your counterparts everywhere...long have you provoked me, challenged me, drove me nuts. Poking me in the gut with the length of your teasing arm, I abhor (no! obsess!) you. It's so bad that entering an establishment wrought with stationary, such as the enemy that is Staples, causes sweaty palms, giddy, guilty delight within the palpitating chest of your admirer. I leave with more blank pages bound in all their narrow-lined, decorative glory, only a new box of pens will do. What will inhabit your rows, oh blank page? Probably nothing, for the intimidation you deliver leaves me breathless, nary a word ever makes it to your stunning display of white. And here, you sit on a computer screen, an accomplice to the original but not at all less of a challenge. You, blank blog page, little editing box with your options and tools. How often have I typed the chatter of thine mind only to erase (with no flaky smudge marks or harsh scratching out) without a trace? So little makes it past inspection to the daunting "save" button. What ever will come of the words forgotten? Alas, blank pages everywhere will never cease to choke me up and shut me down. A writer once, a scared little fool for always.

evidently,

My baby is growing into a little boy...


roughly 1 month old


9.5 months old

This is entirely without my permission and you are GROUNDED, mister!

oh so smooth & dreamy

It's been raining non stop for two days now. I don't mind it so much, I definitely prefer steady rain over snow, or persistent fog that just makes everything damp and chilly. At least you know the earth is taking care of itself, gearing up for the spring by watering everything down. Before you know it, everything will be green and sprouting. And that's encouraging.

I've been thinking a lot about the fact that Isaac's first birthday is fast approaching. I feel like I only just settled into a routine that I can manage. Since getting my car back I finally have established some confidence in making public outings happen with baby in tow. Going to the store, post office, bank, whatever..I no longer feel like that's only something I can do if someone watches him at home. No, I am woman, I am capable. I've been thinking about how it's been such a short time since I really got comfortable and in the groove with breastfeeding, and pretty soon it'll be over. I definitely plan on making it to a year and I'm sure we'll go longer, but I'm not one of those women who enjoys the thought of really extended nursing..like til age two or three. Sorry, but I feel like at some point a boundary needs to be established. Like..this is my body. I am glad I could provide for you but now you have other means. So I figure he'll probably be about 15 months by the time he's fully weaned. And you know...that's not far off. Kind of sad.

This coming saturday at the Holistic Families meeting we'll be discussing birth stories. I keep practicing in my head exactly what I want to say. There is so much. So much back story, so much to explain. I sort of feel like that to this particular group of people there will be so much to justify. I'll probably be the only one of them who has had a c-section. It's hard for me..I'm afraid I'll end up crying while I'm trying to share my story. I am kind of hoping that talking about it with people who understand the importance of birth (these ladies are doulas and midwives or were seen by doulas and midwives) will help me to move on and find some sort of acceptance. I'm really sick and tired of feeling so bitter and emotional about what I went through. Blah.

Time for bed.

character flaws

The other night we finished watching season 5 of Six Feet Under. As we both sobbed un-apologetically (anyone who has seen the series finale to this KNOWS what I'm talkin bout) it really ran through my brain just how similar the Fishers are to my family, the Rogers'. They are each exaggerations of us..theater versions, if you will.

Ruth - the worn out, worn down, tired older women, dealing with aging and the fact that her kids are growing up and moving on. Doesn't know what to do with herself if she's not taking care of someone else. Overly sensitive, easily worked up. Living with a lot of past regrets. AKA - my mom.

Nate - the eldest son, the rebel, the idealist, the one who "got away". Moved far away from the rest of his family and fought hard to be unlike them. AKA - my oldest brother.

David - the middle child, the responsible one. Perhaps a little tightly wound. Unaccepting of himself and weighed down by the weight of the world. AKA - my other brother.

Claire - the youngest, the only girl. Slightly disconnected from her siblings and absorbed with herself and her life. Photographer, artist, caught up in drug cultures and people who ultimately do her no good. Striving to achieve her family's approval but always sort of missing the mark. AKA - me at ages 16-18..right down to the giant ugly car.

Even some of the other supporting characters...Brenda, for instance strikes bizarre similarities with my brother's girlfriend..though it would be the wrong brother in comparison. I guess that's why maybe it strikes such a chord with me. In the end when Claire goes driving off into her future and they flash forward, and you see where everyone ends up. She reminds me so much of myself. Does the things that maybe I would have if life had gone differently for me. So to see her just driving off into the unknown- and yet I am armed with the foreknowledge of what lies ahead of her...it's intense. The bonus features on the DVD are awesome too...the guy who plays Nate says something to the effect of "death can shut you up real quick..so if you've got something to say in this life, you better speak up." I can dig it.

half asleep

I'm a slacker.
I'm making good on another promise to myself for this year, attempting to get healthy. My friend the future naturopath hooked me up with lots of good vitamins, one of which turns my pee neon green with the toxins it's clearing from my system. I went shopping yesterday and didn't fail miserably at it, got lots of good food and no junk (nevermind that box of girl scout cookies.... those chicks are ruthless). I'm trying to get Joel on the bandwagon because he doesn't take any kind of care of himself. Six cups of coffee a day, ciggarettes, beer and adding salt to virtually everything he eats is gonna wear him down pretty quickly. He just thinks I'm being a hippy or something.

Well, I have been going to this Holistic Moms group with the babe. They raise their own chickens (something I'm so jealous of) and had their babies in their own bathtubs (also, jealous). We had a group discussion on cloth diapers last week which was fun. Isaac seems to like the interaction with other little ones. He, by the way, is now a 9 month old little TERROR. His personal mission in life now seems to be to get into exactly the things I don't want him to, turning the days into ones filled with the grating sound of incessant whining and constant chasing. I admire his passion for exploration though. But his toys are no longer of any interest..this weather needs to warm up so I can get this kid outside.

mmm soup.

Last night I was having a dream that Joel McHale and I were in the midst of this whirlwind romance. We were madly in love, running about town like a couple of foolish teenagers. At last he grabbed a hold of me and asked me to marry him. It was epic.

Suddenly I was awoken by a teething, cranky, restless baby shoving his feet in my face. I rolled over to attend, rustling the real Joel awake. I said "Joel McHale just proposed to me." His response was, "what? he's like 3 feet taller than you."




PS - Joel Mchale has a little boy named Isaac. Interesting.

carseat nap

As Isaac snoozes away in his carseat (omg my car is back in action!!!!!) I will gingerly, ever so quietly, type up some kind of hooyah for this here blog. My dad went back into the hospital this past weekend and as far as I know is still there. This time they found a massive calcified blood clot in his leg which has apparently been there for years and no one caught it before. They're experimenting with blood thinners to see what dosage is safe to go home on. We all visited him the other day and he actually seemed pretty good, at least he was awake and not drifting in and out of a "my body can't filter out these painkillers" stupor.

I've been doing pretty well with my big new year's resolution to cook more actual food. We had a nice roast last night and there are actually a few different kinds of leftovers in the fridge right now. Go me! Going along with my other plan to learn how to sew, I busted out my sewing machine the other day and had my mom show me how to use it. Not that she hasn't done this 45 million times throughout my life, but this time I actually paid attention. Bummer is that there's something wrong with the machine so she's going to give me a different one to use. I have all these dreams of starting up a little online boutique with like..alternative type baby clothes and diaper bags and shit like that. Who knows?

My other goal for 2009 fell through before it had a chance. There's this little artsy fartsy coffee/sandwich shop in town that we go and get lunch at all the time. Every month they display on the walls a different artists' work. Usually it's photography but there are painters and metal sculptors and other cool stuff like that. I had made it a goal to get my ass in gear and put my pictures on display this year. We asked the owner though and apparently the waiting list right now is already half-way through 2010. I might throw my name in there anyway.. at least it would give me some time to get my shit sorted.

Ah, well. The baby stirs. Til next time.

Updates

1) My child is 8 months old tomorrow. He is now crawling with his belly off the ground, finally sitting totally unassisted, loving baths, clapping, insatiably pulling himself up on everything in sight, cruising along the edges of tables, saying "hi!" enthusiastically, getting better at feeding himself, eating cheerios and drinking from a sippy cup (sort of, he mostly just tosses it around). I remember when he was just a tiny thing and I would look at him and think about him being 8 months, 9 months...even 6 months and not being able to fathom it. That sounded so old, so big. And all of a sudden he's like this real kid. Bizarro.

2) I am still without vehicle but the part is coming. YAY.

3) Our tax refunds have come and are gone. Didn't take long between bills, back-rent, new diapers & clothes, and food. Sheesh. I wonder if we'll ever get anything saved.

4) Joel might be getting a new job. Shhh.

5) I can feel spring coming. I can feel it. I am so looking forward to little things this spring/summer. Hanging diapers on a clothesline in the hot sun, Isaac learning to walk and stumbling in the grass, days on the beach, having windows and doors open with cool breezes blowing through, planting flowers and teaching him about bugs. Possibly getting back to work part-time. The excitement/anticipation is welling up within.

6) I am finishing season 3 of Six Feet Under which I've borrowed from my brother. I'm serious man, it is so fucking eerie, the similarities between the Fishers and my family. Each character is like a dramatic interpretation of a person in my life. The stories are the same, the mannerisms, the personalities. It's really messed up and intriguing and definitely the best show ever made. I am absorbed and obsessed and probably too into it. But loving it.

7) Today I got the second message from a random perverted stranger on Facebook asking to see pictures of me nursing. Actually this one proclaimed his desire to "feed from my breast" and I puked in my mouth a little. Way to get your ass reported, idiot. Ugh. Bleck. Vomit. Shudder. Major creepster.

I believe that is all.

its all my fault

My child is a TV junkie.


Sometimes I feel bad about it, like I am letting his brain slowly melt out of his ears or something. But you know - of all of the things that you tend to remember fondly from your childhood, your favorite characters on your favorite shows always come first. They do for me at least. When he gets a bit older I am totally buying Fraggle Rock & the Muppet Show DVD sets because that shit is quality, and the generations that grew up on them (mainly from the 80's, early 90's) are probably the most peaceful set of people there are. Jim Henson's original goal with Sesame Street & Fraggle Rock was to create world peace, starting with the youngin's. How can that be bad? Of course he loves Elmo and Barney (ugh) but with time he will become a sophisticated pop-culture goon, learning lessons and dancing to dope ass theme songs.

This might just be my really good excuse to enjoy these shows myself without having to feel stupid. I really don't care.

Vermont's finest.

I have been a bad blogger. Every so often I get plagued with enormous apathy and everything becomes mundane, useless, petty. I usually manage to climb out of that after a while, either by force or desperation. This is a little of both.

I have left the house only twice in the last two weeks. Joel is off on a snow mobiling adventure with his brother, and he left his car here. So I could have left today. That option hasn't been available to me in the many weeks since my car shat the bed. But as I weighed out that possibility, the task suddenly became too daunting. I am now officially a recluse. My car should be in tip top shape fairly soon, once our refund is in hand and Joel actually takes the time to get to it. But even then - where would I go?

I might go crawling back to my former place of employment soon. For a few nights a week or something. Although this is a terrible time of year for the restaurant business to be hiring anyone. I doubt they'd even take me back right now. I need to figure out what the hell it is I'd like to do with myself someday. Or do I?! I am so beyond sick of torturing myself with that question.

All I know is that I want to buy a house. We started looking into it, researching the area and whatnot. Working on a plan. It's ultimately my one big goal in life, to own a house that we will treasure as a big family with lots of memories. I don't really care how lame that might sound to most everyone else but the desire for it is a passion, and that feeling doesn't happen easily for me so I'm holding onto it.

I am polishing off Joel's Cherry Garcia. The fool left it behind. Muahaha.

The day's just getting started...

I have to say, I love the Sunny Side Up show on Sprout every morning. Really. While the wee one is crawling around chewing on things and talking to his toys, I'm sipping my coffee and jammin out hard to the Roary the Racing Car theme song, joining in with the cheesy hosts and trying to get him as excited about Chica as I am. I can't wait til I can send in his fancy birthday card to be read on the air, and I walk around all day with the birthday song stuck in my head. This has become my life.


On another note, I want to say that politics is soooo not my topic of conversation. I'm not going to pretend for one second that I have any idea what any of it means and honestly I don't get it. I wish I knew more, but I don't. I'm kind of working on that. But this morning I've been watching all the inauguration hoo-yah and it has gotten me kind of excited. I can't say one way or the other whether I agree with or like Obama - I really don't know enough about the guy. But I can't deny the twinge of hope I feel. I mean man, has there ever been a guy under more pressure than that man is right now? I hope he lives up to his expectations. And I fully appreciate the magnitude of his election "making history", but I do feel like I can't wait for everyone to get past the race issue and focus on the reality of the job. Crazy times!
That is all.

I've been trying to think of something to write here for a few days now. Yesterday I concocted this whole entry, chronicling a photo story of Isaac's toys, but blogger screwed up my photo arrangement and wouldn't post it the way I wanted so I deleted the whole thing. It's not that I don't have anything to talk about. I could write about how it got so cold on Wednesday that the fuel pump in my car froze up, rendering it useless and now my beloved Volvo rests weary and alone two towns over at my parents' house, for an undetermined amount of time. Having a mechanic for a husband certainly does come in handy, but not when there are no funds to make repairs - even if you are saving on labor and 'screw you over' costs. So, I remain stranded at home with no vehicle. For however long. It's a good thing I have no friends, no job, no prospects and nothing to do anyways, huh? Is winter over yet? I need sunshine.

There are piles upon piles of unfolded laundry all over the bedroom floor. The laundry never stops. So maybe there's no point in putting it away, right? It's just going to build up again and end up right back on the floor.

Sometimes I sit here and look around our apartment here and wonder how much longer we'll be here. We keep talking about preparing to buy a house sometime soon. Who knows how long that will take. But in the meantime I have this very unsettling feeling about our living situation. We have this big beautiful place with an ocean view and tons of space. We have lots of nice stuff (well I consider it nice) and happy little toys everywhere with happy pictures on the walls and it's all very happy. We have a very understanding and lenient landlord. But I can't help but feeling that he's only going to be understanding for so long. We have no lease, no official agreements or anything. I keep devising back-up plans in my mind trying to keep in mind that things could change any day. Living in constant anxiety while simultaneously trying to enjoy it while it lasts.

I remember what life was like when I was a kid, being as dirt poor as we were. Not to say it didn't give us all a little character. But to think about how much my parents must have worried and stressed about it...now that I'm in their positions it's some big time reality and it's scary stuff. Especially the way things are going right now. Uncertainty plagues us all I suppose.

Isaac has been a real joy lately. Sarcasm. Deep, profound sarcasm. Last night he woke up around midnight SCREAMING for seemingly no reason, and no matter what could not be consoled. He was crying so hard he was shaking and nearly choking. It was a little scary there for a minute, I had no idea what the problem was. So I busted out some Bach's Rescue Remedy..a few drops on the tongue and VOILA! He calmed right down. Sucked his thumb quietly in my arms for a while. I stayed up with him for a bit, making sure he reacted to the magic potion okay and whatnot. Sang to him, played around in bed a little. He fell asleep alright but it was another restless night. Keeping him in his crib was working well for a while there, but lately he's been back in our bed. Waking every 90 minutes or so. I refuse to get up and down that often in the night - it only makes me lose my temper and I get zero sleep. I think he must be working on another tooth. Also it gets freezing cold in the bedroom at night so he might just want some body warmth to cuddle up to. Who could blame him for that? He's crawling around everywhere and getting into everything. I thought the newborn days were tough...all he did then was nurse and sleep! Barely moved. Now I'm chasing him all around and he wears me right out. It's fun though, makes things a little more crazy. The cutest thing is that he's recognizing Joel as this real staple in his life, someone he yearns to be with and loves to see. He squeals with delight and wiggles all around when Joel comes home from work, cries if he leaves the room. I like to see him realizing the constants in his life. He'll be 7 months old tomorrow. I can't believe that. Seven months ago right now I was in labor. Whaaat? It was a whole other lifetime ago and yet it just happened yesterday.

I dare you not to laugh.

Am I going to hell for laughing at this?? Aww poor guy. He got too excited!! Lolz.

Jury Duty

I have this little black notebook that I carry around with me everywhere, to jot down random thoughts or things I want to remember and all that jazz. I was reading through it last night and happened upon this little entry I wrote during a hellish experience at jury duty I had last year. It made me chuckle a little so I thought I'd share it.

"7/31
Nestled into a corner next to the sounds of a bathroom, staring one by one at the backs of heads and the choices of footwear. Cold air conditioning over compensates for the lack of breath exchanged. Silent we remain. Yes we are strangers to each other but not to the situation. We're all in this together! At this point in time our stories intersect. We sit together in silence, I listen to you pee. A moment of intimacy between two miserable people. Sound familiar? She's aging, with photos of grandchildren in her purse (no doubt) and she's got on shoes I would buy for my 10 year old niece. Hipster slip-ons from Hot Topic. Typical. His head is misshapen. A vast exposed scalp shows a dent and I wonder if that's just how it goes or if he has an explanation. How does one truly cope with such a transformation as baldness? I can't imagine a lack of hair right now, not with this absurdly cold A/C blowing at me. But I thought ahead. As I dressed I thought, 'I'm going to end up in some room with efficient air conditioning, better bring a jacket.' I always think ahead. What a bright little thing I am. That ceiling fan seems hardly relevant right now."


Just a little glimpse into the realm of my random thoughts.

hmm.

I think my Indian name should be "Wounded Nipple".










Carry on.

standing abs kicked my ass

So its the new year right? I resolve to start taking care of myself, to get healthy. This doesn't necessarily mean lose weight. But to feel better all around. Have more energy, drink more water, get more sleep (yeah right), take vitamins, laugh more, see more, have a better outlook. I've started by declaring war on my skin- I'm not taking anymore crap. If I have to buy the expensive soap, so be it. I've got my Aveeno body wash, Aveeno face wash, Aveeno skin repair lotion. I've got my vitamin E stick for my lips and eye areas. I've got my calendula for more aggressive spots. I'm taking my Borage Oil to battle from the inside out. I've got my giant cup of water. I just completed 20 minutes on a couple of OnDemand ab work outs and am realizing how out of shape I am. I sort of feel like passing out/puking but in a good way! My next goal is to start forming meals. Not just buying whatever crap is on sale that will be easiest to whip up. I want to start making lists, creating plans. Having good and healthy fuel for myself. I want to start going to the whole foods store and experimenting with things I haven't had before. I want to become greener and do things like composting and making homemade baby food. Become more self-sufficient - learn how to sew. Like my mom said- she won't be around to hem my clothes and fix my buttons forever. Maybe I'll really get my shit together in 2009.