character flaws

The other night we finished watching season 5 of Six Feet Under. As we both sobbed un-apologetically (anyone who has seen the series finale to this KNOWS what I'm talkin bout) it really ran through my brain just how similar the Fishers are to my family, the Rogers'. They are each exaggerations of us..theater versions, if you will.

Ruth - the worn out, worn down, tired older women, dealing with aging and the fact that her kids are growing up and moving on. Doesn't know what to do with herself if she's not taking care of someone else. Overly sensitive, easily worked up. Living with a lot of past regrets. AKA - my mom.

Nate - the eldest son, the rebel, the idealist, the one who "got away". Moved far away from the rest of his family and fought hard to be unlike them. AKA - my oldest brother.

David - the middle child, the responsible one. Perhaps a little tightly wound. Unaccepting of himself and weighed down by the weight of the world. AKA - my other brother.

Claire - the youngest, the only girl. Slightly disconnected from her siblings and absorbed with herself and her life. Photographer, artist, caught up in drug cultures and people who ultimately do her no good. Striving to achieve her family's approval but always sort of missing the mark. AKA - me at ages 16-18..right down to the giant ugly car.

Even some of the other supporting characters...Brenda, for instance strikes bizarre similarities with my brother's girlfriend..though it would be the wrong brother in comparison. I guess that's why maybe it strikes such a chord with me. In the end when Claire goes driving off into her future and they flash forward, and you see where everyone ends up. She reminds me so much of myself. Does the things that maybe I would have if life had gone differently for me. So to see her just driving off into the unknown- and yet I am armed with the foreknowledge of what lies ahead of her...it's intense. The bonus features on the DVD are awesome too...the guy who plays Nate says something to the effect of "death can shut you up real quick..so if you've got something to say in this life, you better speak up." I can dig it.

half asleep

I'm a slacker.
I'm making good on another promise to myself for this year, attempting to get healthy. My friend the future naturopath hooked me up with lots of good vitamins, one of which turns my pee neon green with the toxins it's clearing from my system. I went shopping yesterday and didn't fail miserably at it, got lots of good food and no junk (nevermind that box of girl scout cookies.... those chicks are ruthless). I'm trying to get Joel on the bandwagon because he doesn't take any kind of care of himself. Six cups of coffee a day, ciggarettes, beer and adding salt to virtually everything he eats is gonna wear him down pretty quickly. He just thinks I'm being a hippy or something.

Well, I have been going to this Holistic Moms group with the babe. They raise their own chickens (something I'm so jealous of) and had their babies in their own bathtubs (also, jealous). We had a group discussion on cloth diapers last week which was fun. Isaac seems to like the interaction with other little ones. He, by the way, is now a 9 month old little TERROR. His personal mission in life now seems to be to get into exactly the things I don't want him to, turning the days into ones filled with the grating sound of incessant whining and constant chasing. I admire his passion for exploration though. But his toys are no longer of any interest..this weather needs to warm up so I can get this kid outside.

mmm soup.

Last night I was having a dream that Joel McHale and I were in the midst of this whirlwind romance. We were madly in love, running about town like a couple of foolish teenagers. At last he grabbed a hold of me and asked me to marry him. It was epic.

Suddenly I was awoken by a teething, cranky, restless baby shoving his feet in my face. I rolled over to attend, rustling the real Joel awake. I said "Joel McHale just proposed to me." His response was, "what? he's like 3 feet taller than you."




PS - Joel Mchale has a little boy named Isaac. Interesting.

carseat nap

As Isaac snoozes away in his carseat (omg my car is back in action!!!!!) I will gingerly, ever so quietly, type up some kind of hooyah for this here blog. My dad went back into the hospital this past weekend and as far as I know is still there. This time they found a massive calcified blood clot in his leg which has apparently been there for years and no one caught it before. They're experimenting with blood thinners to see what dosage is safe to go home on. We all visited him the other day and he actually seemed pretty good, at least he was awake and not drifting in and out of a "my body can't filter out these painkillers" stupor.

I've been doing pretty well with my big new year's resolution to cook more actual food. We had a nice roast last night and there are actually a few different kinds of leftovers in the fridge right now. Go me! Going along with my other plan to learn how to sew, I busted out my sewing machine the other day and had my mom show me how to use it. Not that she hasn't done this 45 million times throughout my life, but this time I actually paid attention. Bummer is that there's something wrong with the machine so she's going to give me a different one to use. I have all these dreams of starting up a little online boutique with like..alternative type baby clothes and diaper bags and shit like that. Who knows?

My other goal for 2009 fell through before it had a chance. There's this little artsy fartsy coffee/sandwich shop in town that we go and get lunch at all the time. Every month they display on the walls a different artists' work. Usually it's photography but there are painters and metal sculptors and other cool stuff like that. I had made it a goal to get my ass in gear and put my pictures on display this year. We asked the owner though and apparently the waiting list right now is already half-way through 2010. I might throw my name in there anyway.. at least it would give me some time to get my shit sorted.

Ah, well. The baby stirs. Til next time.

Updates

1) My child is 8 months old tomorrow. He is now crawling with his belly off the ground, finally sitting totally unassisted, loving baths, clapping, insatiably pulling himself up on everything in sight, cruising along the edges of tables, saying "hi!" enthusiastically, getting better at feeding himself, eating cheerios and drinking from a sippy cup (sort of, he mostly just tosses it around). I remember when he was just a tiny thing and I would look at him and think about him being 8 months, 9 months...even 6 months and not being able to fathom it. That sounded so old, so big. And all of a sudden he's like this real kid. Bizarro.

2) I am still without vehicle but the part is coming. YAY.

3) Our tax refunds have come and are gone. Didn't take long between bills, back-rent, new diapers & clothes, and food. Sheesh. I wonder if we'll ever get anything saved.

4) Joel might be getting a new job. Shhh.

5) I can feel spring coming. I can feel it. I am so looking forward to little things this spring/summer. Hanging diapers on a clothesline in the hot sun, Isaac learning to walk and stumbling in the grass, days on the beach, having windows and doors open with cool breezes blowing through, planting flowers and teaching him about bugs. Possibly getting back to work part-time. The excitement/anticipation is welling up within.

6) I am finishing season 3 of Six Feet Under which I've borrowed from my brother. I'm serious man, it is so fucking eerie, the similarities between the Fishers and my family. Each character is like a dramatic interpretation of a person in my life. The stories are the same, the mannerisms, the personalities. It's really messed up and intriguing and definitely the best show ever made. I am absorbed and obsessed and probably too into it. But loving it.

7) Today I got the second message from a random perverted stranger on Facebook asking to see pictures of me nursing. Actually this one proclaimed his desire to "feed from my breast" and I puked in my mouth a little. Way to get your ass reported, idiot. Ugh. Bleck. Vomit. Shudder. Major creepster.

I believe that is all.

its all my fault

My child is a TV junkie.


Sometimes I feel bad about it, like I am letting his brain slowly melt out of his ears or something. But you know - of all of the things that you tend to remember fondly from your childhood, your favorite characters on your favorite shows always come first. They do for me at least. When he gets a bit older I am totally buying Fraggle Rock & the Muppet Show DVD sets because that shit is quality, and the generations that grew up on them (mainly from the 80's, early 90's) are probably the most peaceful set of people there are. Jim Henson's original goal with Sesame Street & Fraggle Rock was to create world peace, starting with the youngin's. How can that be bad? Of course he loves Elmo and Barney (ugh) but with time he will become a sophisticated pop-culture goon, learning lessons and dancing to dope ass theme songs.

This might just be my really good excuse to enjoy these shows myself without having to feel stupid. I really don't care.

Vermont's finest.

I have been a bad blogger. Every so often I get plagued with enormous apathy and everything becomes mundane, useless, petty. I usually manage to climb out of that after a while, either by force or desperation. This is a little of both.

I have left the house only twice in the last two weeks. Joel is off on a snow mobiling adventure with his brother, and he left his car here. So I could have left today. That option hasn't been available to me in the many weeks since my car shat the bed. But as I weighed out that possibility, the task suddenly became too daunting. I am now officially a recluse. My car should be in tip top shape fairly soon, once our refund is in hand and Joel actually takes the time to get to it. But even then - where would I go?

I might go crawling back to my former place of employment soon. For a few nights a week or something. Although this is a terrible time of year for the restaurant business to be hiring anyone. I doubt they'd even take me back right now. I need to figure out what the hell it is I'd like to do with myself someday. Or do I?! I am so beyond sick of torturing myself with that question.

All I know is that I want to buy a house. We started looking into it, researching the area and whatnot. Working on a plan. It's ultimately my one big goal in life, to own a house that we will treasure as a big family with lots of memories. I don't really care how lame that might sound to most everyone else but the desire for it is a passion, and that feeling doesn't happen easily for me so I'm holding onto it.

I am polishing off Joel's Cherry Garcia. The fool left it behind. Muahaha.