Well we barely made it through the holidays, but what was I expecting? My dad is in the hospital, second time in 6 months. For the same old crap. Out of his mind, can't remember what's going on/who he is/where he is. Having trouble breathing. It's another round of "we don't know what's wrong with you so here's some more prescriptions and good luck with that." I guess his kidneys are on the brink. What else is new. Its weird because for the past few days I've been having strange feelings about him. A couple of things have happened that have just left him in the back of my mind. Then my mom calls me last night and confirmed it. Is it bad that literally every time I get a phone call, in the back of my mind I'm expecting it to be news about my dad? I've pretty much been preparing for the big one my whole life. I don't really remember him healthy or walking without a cane. On some level I think we're all ready for that day when he's finally had enough...there's been too many close calls. But last night after I got off the phone with my mom and went to go check on Isaac in bed, it hit me that my kids probably won't get to know their grampa. And it really breaks me heart - he's such a character. A really fun guy - when he's in his right mind. But this huge part of me is so fucking angry at him, so mad that he always seemed to chose his vices and his selfish desires over staying healthy enough to not be in the position that he's in now. If his sister were still alive (she went down the same exact path he's on now) she'd be slapping him around. She used to call the house and check in with me to make sure dad was "being good". But it's so past that now. No amount of good diet and strict medicine regimen can turn back all the damage that's been done. I'm mad that he's left my mom in the position that she's in- being a 24 hour nurse. It makes me sad to think about how she probably remembers him back in the day. How different things are now. How she never imagined they would end up like this. The kind of regrets she must have.
I'm probably over reacting. This will just end up being another one of those useless hospital stays where they get him just healthy enough to be discharged. I might go see him later today, I dunno.
2 years ago
1 comment:
I am sorry to hear that your Dad is sick. A little word of advice though. No matter how bad he is...try to remember the good things, try to overlook the bad. My Mother was a rotten person and I spoke to her barely for the last 3-4 years that she was alive. Even though I didn't like her as a person very much I still sat at her side and let her know how loved she was up until the day she passed (I was there with her in hospice house). Obviously you don't feel the same about your Dad as I did my Mother but please just keep this in the back of your head. Because if something were to happen and you were not able to say what is in your heart to him...it will nag at you for a long time. I know one regret I do have with my Mother...i wish I would of picked up the phone the last time she called me...I didn't...and that was the last time she could actually speak before she passed.
Hope that made sense.
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