i'm alone like i'm always alone, oh lord.

Joel has gone off on a fishing trip with his brother and dad. He left at 1am and won't be home til much later tonight. siiiigh. I like to think that I can function without him around but that's a lie. I get scared of being home alone after dark, I avoid windows and carry around my cell phone and a big kitchen knife. Yeah, I'm a basket case. I just end up forcing myself to get out and go places and see people to distract me from being all lonely and anxious. On a similar note, I've decided it might be a good idea to go back to therapy. Which is a huge, giant, enormous, intense thing for me to say and do. It's been years and with my hatred/mistrust for shrinks still fresh in my heart it will be hard to do. But that's just gonna have to be something I get over. I am visibly worn. There are giant, dark bags under my eyes. I never stop yawning. My skin is patchy and all messed up. I have these dry spots under my eyes and around my eyelids that I haven't seen since my extreme insomnia nearly 10 years ago. My hair falls outs. I'm getting more headaches. I don't know if it's post partum or normal post-baby exhaustion. But it doesn't feel good. This is way harder than working 45 hours a week in a stuffy hot kitchen during the summer with my head in the pizza over ever was. Isaac is so awesome though. And I owe it to him to start feeling better. So we'll see what happens.